Sunday, June 16, 2013

On the days that cut.

Here we go, day #3 of the 19 day blogging streak.  Oh yeah, if you get a second, go vote!!!  Why? Because I would love for "The Only Girl Among Boys" to rock this contest, especially since I'm pretty hard-headed on the no-advertising rule I have for the blog, so it's actually kind of relatively unknown.  It still blows my mind that people drop by and read what's going on with our family.  ;)  So yeah, pretty please vote?  >>>>>>>>

Okay.


During Deployment, there are days that cut.  These aren't like normal days, where you miss them so much that you ache; these are special days, that when you wake up, you feel their absence like you had lost a limb, or a chunk of your soul.  It's like you can't get your heartbeat regular, can't seem to find the silver lining.  For our family, these are holidays, birthdays, special days.

Today is father's day, and it is cutting this house like a knife.

I woke up at 5 a.m. so I could catch ten minutes with Jason on Skype.  Definitely the best 10 minutes of my day.  I'd wake up every ten minutes if it meant I was able to see his face.  I also needed to tell him Happy Father's Day while it was actually Father's Day in both our time zones.  Best part of Skyping from bed at 5 a.m.?  I put the computer on Jason's pillow, and it was almost like he was there for a second.  Well, kind of, but I'll take what I can get.

I should have taken it off our monthly dry-erase calendar, the blue marker that said, "Father's Day."  Unfortunately, 3/4 of our boys can read.

Man, it was a sour day around here.

They were crushed, pulling out the crafts they'd brought home from school on Friday.  We have yet to discover a way to overnight things to Jason's FOB.  We immediately opened a box and put their creations inside to mail off to Jason tomorrow.  I know he won't mind, because that's the dad he is.  As soon as it was Father's Day in Afghanistan, I emailed him off four video interviews the boys had done, and he was ecstatic.  Oh, and Brody thinks that if Jason was going to have a super power, it should be knock-out gas so he can get rid of the bad guys faster.  

We stayed home today, played video games, ordered pizza and generally just hung out together.  I didn't want them to get out and have another reminder of what day it was.  I wanted to distract them from the uncertainty of being able to talk to him today.  I tried to keep it as normal as possible for them.    But the highlight was when Jason found his way to a phone so they could wish him a Happy Daddy's Day.

I hate days like this, when my kids are so aware of what this is costing them.  I hate it for Jason, because every dad should get to be with their kids on this day.  I hate it for myself, because I'm so tired of feeling like we're messing up our kids' childhoods.  Today, I miss Jason, and it's cutting me in two, ripping me away from most logical thought.

Yes, during deployment, there are days that cut, leaving us gaping, open, and raw.  All we can do is thank God that it doesn't happen every day, stitch ourselves back up, patch our kiddos' hearts as best we can, and carry on.

So to Jason - Babe, you're the best father I ever could have imagined for these boys.  You are my balance, my pivot point, and my north star in parenting.  You're wild when I'm calm, you're patient when I'm not.  You're, "give Mom 20 minutes to shower alone," and, "Yes, ice cream for dinner is a great idea."  There's not a moment we don't miss you, but you also need to know that you make up for every minute that you're gone the moment you walk through that door.  Our boys will be stronger, wiser, kinder men because you are their father.  Oh, and you made them really pretty, that too.  Thank you for being an exquisite father and making me a mother.  It's the best job title I've ever had.

Oh, and the good news?  You'll be home next year for Father's Day, babe.

Here's to the days that cut, and the scar tissue that forms in the morning.

Ugh.  Deployments suck.  At least today.

3 comments:

  1. checking in with you again today. The 5am in the morning next to you on the pillow i completely empathise. it's worth staying up all night for those 10 minutes! I'm inspired by the idea of the video blogs...food for thought definitely.

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  2. Thanks Anna! And it is totally worth it. The videos came out super cute! I asked the boys interview questions about their dad, and their answers were HILARIOUS.

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    1. i don't have children, but i'm thinking others might find those interview questions useful as prompts (if you're willing to share) - who knows, there's another post idea (if you happen to be running short)!

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